Sepsis my Everest
Being strong in life is key, right? We think nothing can defeat us, big or small, but that's not true...
Waking up after being in a coma for an entire week may not sound like much to some, but the profound effect that this experience has on your body and mind is truly mind-blowing. After enduring such an intense ordeal, I found myself in an extremely fragile and dependent state, which left me feeling awkward, vulnerable, and humiliated all at the same time. Despite these challenging emotions, there was also a deep sense of gratitude that bubbled up within me, reminding me of the strength of the human spirit. During that moment, I realized I had no control and no choices available to me, and the level of trust I needed to place in a complete stranger—be it a compassionate nurse or a dedicated doctor—had to be absolute and unwavering in order for me to survive this life-changing event.
Your body becomes weak, fragile, and profoundly damaged while you lay in a coma, suffering from the overwhelming onslaught of a whole lot of nastiness known as sepsis! Completely unable to talk or move, you have no idea of your surroundings or the deep emotional distress that your state is evoking in your loved ones and friends. They are left to grapple with their feelings of helplessness and worry while you rely on machines to keep you alive, as well as your own steadfast will to fight in order to eventually pull through this harrowing ordeal.
My weight was 90 kg, or 14 stone in old money, before my admission to the hospital. Let’s just say I carried my weight quite well, and I felt healthy at that time. However, when I weighed myself in the hospital prior to my discharge, I was shocked to find out that I had dropped to 75 kg. That’s a staggering 15 kg difference in just a couple of weeks! It’s truly CRAZY how losing that much weight in such a short period isn’t good for your health. This weight loss includes fat, muscle mass, and anything else that the body can chew through in order to supply the essential energy it needs to keep you alive. It's a frightening experience to realize that your body takes over, leaving you with no say in the matter!
Many people have faced sepsis, and while our experiences differ, we all share a common bond: we survived. The recovery can be lengthy and challenging!
For me, that journey has been shaped significantly by cycling and walking. I have always been an avid cyclist, with a genuine and deep passion for the sport. It has taught me valuable lessons in discipline and has ignited that internal drive to push past limits I once thought were not achievable. Along the way, I have built up my fitness like a savings account for my body, one that I eventually depleted as I faced the ultimate challenge: the opportunity to fight for my life and truly live! To this day, that struggle remains my biggest challenge in life yet, and I am grateful for the way medicine and cycling played a crucial role in saving my life!
My partner at the time, who is now my beloved wife, received a call to urgently return to the hospital because the doctors had lost all hope for my recovery and believed it would be best for her to be by my side when the inevitable time came. I still find myself blaming myself for causing the immense distress and anguish that she must’ve gone through during those agonizing moments. However, I take solace in the fact that I can repay her for her unwavering support with my unconditional love and sincere devotion. I am grateful that I am still here to live our lives together, and I strive to be the very best version of myself not only for her but also for my family and friends.
Many of you might say, "Sure, Bernard, there are plenty of other factors involved in the survival of sepsis, not just fitness." We will certainly discuss those factors at a later stage because they are all extremely relevant and significant. However, when two experienced ICU doctors tell you that you are quite a lucky man, implying that if your body had not been fit and strong at the time of your illness, you would not be here with us today, it truly resonates. They were genuinely impressed and relieved to see I had pulled through, expressing that they thought they had lost me for good at such a critical time!
Sepsis humbles you and teaches important lessons about what truly matters in life, leading to a major change in your lifestyle and perspective.
Now, I am by no means a professional cyclist, nor do I consider myself to be a qualified doctor. I am simply an average, regular guy who has been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to share the insights and experiences that have significantly helped me in my journey to almost fully recover from septic shock. This is the last and final stage of your immune system attempting to fight off what feels like an overwhelming battle against itself. In my case, it all started with a chest infection that gradually developed into pneumonia, compounded by a bacterial infection that I unfortunately contracted. But we will delve deeper into those details a little later on.
I wrote about my experience from beginning to end. It’s good to read and helped me remember what I lost during my time in the hospital and the first few days at home. It took me almost a year to finish because my memory is inconsistent—it can be frustrating. Some days I forget simple things, while other days I remember complex details, and it’s not due to my age.
I will transfer my memories to my blogs in the future, detailing my recovery journey, including the frustrations that persist today. Extreme exhaustion hits unexpectedly, sometimes lasting days or weeks, making it hard to balance work and cycling. Although motivation can be brutal, I remind myself to keep going, knowing that this temporary struggle is just a small bump on my path to recovery. Sepsis creates a significant degree of separation between what I, in my mind, would ideally like to accomplish and a sobering reality in which my body firmly insists that it will ultimately determine the course of events. It’s a powerful reminder that, in this battle, the body plays a decisive role, reinforcing that it is not simply the dog that wags the tail in this complex interplay of health and will.
I remember lying in the High Dependency Unit, thinking I needed to sort myself out. I tried to get up, but I was too weak. My body was saying, "No, you're staying put." I realized then that my body was in control, and I felt a strange loss of power.
That day my healing journey began in my mind, the sooner I get moving the better for my body and the sooner I can get out of here and be with my girl full time, these visits were not good I missed her, and I always felt like I was selfishly taking up bed space for someone who needed it not realizing how much I needed it.
Septic shock is an incredibly brutal experience, with no relief in sight; it really is a matter of luck, often feeling like a 50/50 chance of survival. Medical assistance plays a crucial role in getting through such a difficult ordeal, and if you are fortunate enough to receive proper care, you may have better odds of recovery. I endured my personal struggle with sepsis and, remarkably, came out of it without any limb losses, which I consider to be quite lucky. However, my lungs took a significant beating during the process, leaving me with severe brain fog, persistent fatigue, constant restlessness, and ongoing cramps and joint pains that still affect me to this very day. On top of all this, I carry the added weight of anxiety, always hoping not to fall ill again. I find myself avoiding people at all costs, trying to minimize the risk of catching a cold or any illness that might push me back toward a point of no return.
There are plenty more long-term effects that I carry with me on a daily basis, and while some have come and gone, unfortunately, some just won’t seem to leave. However, through this journey, I have learned to effectively deal with and adjust to them in various ways, allowing me to minimize the frustrations that arise.
Follow my next blog as I discuss the start of my recovery which lead up to the 7 Step Plan that now is a way of life for me.
